A Transformative Decade
I've been struggling for weeks now to find the right words to send 2019, and the decade, off with. It's officially 2020 and I still don't have the "right" words, whatever those are. So I figured I'd start writing and see what comes out.
Meet 14-and-a-half-year-old me.
A whole decade ago, just starting her journey with depression without knowing it. It kills me that when I see pictures of myself from this time, all I can think about is how I want to be that skinny again. Look at those stick arms and non-existent boobs! The irony is that the girl in the picture didn't think she was thin at all. Ten years later and there's still so much work to be done regarding those thoughts.
If I look past the physical, I know in my heart that I don't want to be that 14-15 year old again. She was about to start a decade long battle with mental illness. She was about to confront the anxiety disorder that had plagued her all her life. She was going to face multiple abusers. She was going to despair more times than she ever thought possible. She was going to think about dying a lot.
That girl was having a relatively good time at life, but 2010 was going to bring a wave of both good and bad - and the bad was going to change the course of everything.
Depression, anxiety, stress, grief, hopelessness, exhaustion, pain, loss ... All these I felt in more acute ways than I realized were possible.
Thankfully, despite the darkness, good times continued to crop up during the decade.
Multiple vacations - Colorado to see my grandma for the last time, a Father-Daughter trip to Toronto, visiting family in Michigan, Disney World with friends, family tour of Montreal, weeks at a cottage, and much more.
Pets of many shapes and sizes, all providing me with priceless experiences and learning curves.
Friends that came and went. Family reunions.
Deep conversations, laugh attacks, good cries, and bear hugs.
Therapy, self-discovery, self-care. Finding the inner strength to confront abusers and back away from toxic relationships. Combing through the past to explore what contributed to the invention of Me.
There's a lot more ahead - but 14-and-a-half-year-old me is so far behind me now, it feels like she's more than a decade away. Of course she changed physically, but the inner change was all the more dramatic and all the more important. When I think about where her mind was then - her views on religion, faith, love, success, friendship, animal care, adulthood, sexuality, work, politics, even horror movies - it's hard to believe we're the same person. I changed because of both the good and the bad.
I'm glad we're the same person, but I'm also glad I changed.
Meet 25-year-old me.
Darker, sadder, stronger, wiser. Hopeful that 2020 will begin a fresh decade that will be kinder to her, but transform her just as much.
A whole decade ago, just starting her journey with depression without knowing it. It kills me that when I see pictures of myself from this time, all I can think about is how I want to be that skinny again. Look at those stick arms and non-existent boobs! The irony is that the girl in the picture didn't think she was thin at all. Ten years later and there's still so much work to be done regarding those thoughts.
If I look past the physical, I know in my heart that I don't want to be that 14-15 year old again. She was about to start a decade long battle with mental illness. She was about to confront the anxiety disorder that had plagued her all her life. She was going to face multiple abusers. She was going to despair more times than she ever thought possible. She was going to think about dying a lot.
That girl was having a relatively good time at life, but 2010 was going to bring a wave of both good and bad - and the bad was going to change the course of everything.
Depression, anxiety, stress, grief, hopelessness, exhaustion, pain, loss ... All these I felt in more acute ways than I realized were possible.
Thankfully, despite the darkness, good times continued to crop up during the decade.
Multiple vacations - Colorado to see my grandma for the last time, a Father-Daughter trip to Toronto, visiting family in Michigan, Disney World with friends, family tour of Montreal, weeks at a cottage, and much more.
Pets of many shapes and sizes, all providing me with priceless experiences and learning curves.
Friends that came and went. Family reunions.
Deep conversations, laugh attacks, good cries, and bear hugs.
Therapy, self-discovery, self-care. Finding the inner strength to confront abusers and back away from toxic relationships. Combing through the past to explore what contributed to the invention of Me.
There's a lot more ahead - but 14-and-a-half-year-old me is so far behind me now, it feels like she's more than a decade away. Of course she changed physically, but the inner change was all the more dramatic and all the more important. When I think about where her mind was then - her views on religion, faith, love, success, friendship, animal care, adulthood, sexuality, work, politics, even horror movies - it's hard to believe we're the same person. I changed because of both the good and the bad.
I'm glad we're the same person, but I'm also glad I changed.
Darker, sadder, stronger, wiser. Hopeful that 2020 will begin a fresh decade that will be kinder to her, but transform her just as much.
This is beautiful and powerful. Just like you, come to think of it!
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