I Won't Edit Me to Keep You


I woke up from a dream an hour ago and I'm still in the midst of processing it.
My dreams have always been vivid, colourful, detailed, and intense. Sometimes they appear to have profound meaning, while other times they're merely ridiculous.

In my dream I shared an opinion on social media. I've been trying to remember what the opinion was about, but it's escaping me. I know it was something controversial.

The part of the dream that filled me with a feeling I've been trying to shake since I woke up, was how my friends reacted to my opinion. I received dozens of direct messages linking me to my post, warning me to "watch yourself", "be careful", "you might want to take this word out", "you might not want to include this hashtag", as well as blatantly disagreeing with me in an unkind way.

The interesting thing I noticed was that each friend who was offended or worried by my post were the friends I value the opinion of the most; the friends I'd never want to disappoint; the friends that would be the hardest to lose.

The feeling it filled me with was a combination of dread, disappointment, and fear.

I realized immediately that it was coming from a core fear of mine - the people I love finally seeing me for me, once I reveal who I really am and what I really think, and choosing to abandon me when they realize they can't change me.

In the dream, I stated to one friend that I was "done editing myself to make others feel better".

That statement is true. It's a decision I made recently. I'm trying very hard to stick to it.

I don't say things with the intention of being controversial, or offensive, or polarizing. I don't say things to get attention, or to seem like I'm "with it". I literally just want to be real.

Apparently, being real is really scary.

I also have a history of losing friends and family because I've been honest. These friends dropped me the moment I didn't fit the mold they had of me in their mind. As soon as I challenged them, it was over. As soon as I stopped editing myself, they didn't want to hear me.

As a society we crave honesty, and we repeatedly ask for it. We call out falseness; we see through the facade. But as soon as someone we thought we knew expresses what they really think, we say "whoa, whoa! I didn't mean YOU should be honest!", because we no longer feel safe around them. We felt safe because they kept their opinions to themselves and never challenged us. We felt safe because they never said anything that made us FEEL. They were comfortable, and we hate feeling uncomfortable.

I'm done making people feel safe by sacrificing who I am. The friends who are true and the family who loves unconditionally will never abandon me for being myself. They will rise to the challenge enthusiastically. They will love the broken parts of me. From them I'll never hear the words, "Quiet yourself. Edit yourself. Watch yourself. Check yourself. Hide yourself."

Comments

  1. MoJoApril 17, 2019 at 2:17 AM

    So proud of you, Zoe, for being yourself. "Be of good courage..." I want most of all for you to do you <3

    ReplyDelete

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