Zoe's Spiritual Deconstruction - Part Four: Be Very Afraid

I'd like to remind you to read the Intro and the previous Parts before reading this post if you would like the full context. The Intro in particular will explain who the heck Rhett and Link are, because I will be referring to them occasionally, and they inspired me to share my story.

So I had arrived at the realization that no one knows whether or not God exists. Again, the keyword here is "know". Your faith and your personal spiritual experiences may feel like knowledge, but to know something is to have definitive proof. One person may believe in God, but they can't know he exists - whereas another person may not believe in God, but they can't know he doesn't exist.

Arriving at this conclusion among others - like evolution being scientifically proven, despite many Christians teaching the opposite - shattered my trust in the Christian faith and in the Christians who had been teaching me my whole life. When you call someone's bluff on one thing, how can you be sure that they aren't misleading you in other areas too? If they're wrong about something as crucial as evolution and the age of the Earth, or the fact that we have faith in the afterlife but we don't know it exists, then what else are they wrong about?

As fascinating and even exciting as deconstructing Christianity was, it was also scary. A lot of us have to come to terms with a part of our identity that is either untrue or requires changing, so even if you haven't experienced the breakdown of your faith, I'm sure you have experienced a version of it some other way. It's scary to deconstruct a part of who you are, knowing that every piece you chip away could mean destroying part of your identity. You have to ask yourself questions like, "What will I lose if I give this up?" and "Is all this work really worth it?" and "What if I'm wrong?"

I'd like to take a second to point out something that Rhett and Link also pointed out: Believing in evolution, knowing there's no definitive proof of God's existence, and realizing that many of the things you were taught were untrue does not automatically make you an atheist. At least not in my case. It was actually very easy for me to believe in evolution and believe in God at the same time. It was easy to reconcile with the fact that I can believe in something that I don't know exists, because that's what faith is for. 

The point I'm trying to make is that the religion, not God, was becoming a shaky foundation in my life; no longer sturdy and reliable. It had lied to me and mislead me time and time again, and once trust is broken - especially about something so vital - it's almost impossible to repair.

Questioning the rightness of Christianity was always a scary prospect, because once you start doing that, everything can fall apart - and what will you do when that happens? It's all you've ever known, and it's a part of who you are; what does life look like without that faith? And yet here I was, asking myself the big question, "What if we're wrong?"

The most important step in my deconstruction process was realizing how much fear Christianity creates, and how much I didn't want that fear to rule my decisions anymore. I didn't want to be scared of asking tough questions and relentlessly seeking answers, and I didn't want to be scared to explore the possibility that my religion was wrong. 

The more I delve into the reality of Christianity - pull back the curtain so to speak, or take the red pill - the more I realize just how much fear rules it. Fear is practically its life's blood - fear of Hell, fear of punishment, fear of guilt, fear of shame, fear of Satan, fear of sin, and on it goes. In the wise words of Yoda, "Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering". I realized that when Christianity ruled me, I was suffering, because fear was at the root of it all. 

The root of Christianity should, of course, be Love. That's what Jesus was all about. The Bible says "do not be afraid" many times. Somewhere along the way, Christianity warped and put Fear at the head with Love becoming less of a priority. I learned that much of what Christians called love was actually fear in disguise. Rhett and Link describe how evangelizing became THE primary focus of their lives, because everyone's soul was destined for eternal damnation if they weren't rescued. That very mindset is entirely fear-based, and yet it's portrayed as love.

Even when I prayed it was always because I was afraid of something, and I was asking God to fix it.

Even now, if I think about God being real, fear begins to seep in. Because what if I'm disobeying and I'm punished for it? What if everyone's souls are in jeopardy and I could be saving them right now? And as soon as I feel that familiar fear, I'm reminded of why I continue to deconstruct my spirituality, because I have no place for fear, and fear has no place in faith.

We're taught to fear a life without God, because it's a life without light, love, and certainty. I believed that not knowing where you went after you died was scary. An all-powerful God who had your best interests in mind, who made an afterlife for you, and who designed a method to this madness was comforting. I used to marvel with fellow Christians about how anyone could move through this world without knowing if there was an afterlife or if there was a purpose for them. It sounded so frightening and empty. 

Of course, it's ironic to me now, since I didn't know there was an afterlife or a purpose either. I thought I did, because I was taught that The Bible was proof and believing in God meant certainty in your fate. Surprise! Whether you believe in God or not, whether you have a religion or not, you all are on the same level of knowledge. I'm sure that idea would scare many believers - but I actually find it comforting. More comforting than the false certainty.

We're taught that not knowing is scary. I spent my whole life believing that. I believed that if I got to a place of uncertainty, then I could no longer be happy or fulfilled or secure. If all the rules went out the window then I would become less than human; my morals would disappear. There are a lot of Christians who believe you can't be a truly good person without Jesus in your heart. I don't think I ever believed that personally, but I did wonder why anyone would choose to be good if the threat of eternal punishment wasn't looming.

I'm here to tell you that not knowing is not, in fact, scary. It's actually freeing. It actually feels more human, to be uncertain. Realizing that you don't have any special knowledge is very humbling. The Us and Them mentality disappears, and equality fills the gap. Fear kept me from embracing the unknown for most of my life, ironically because I thought the unknown would incite fear. How remarkable to discover the lack of Fear on the other side! How beautiful to be able to explore my reality without limitations. 

And is it scary, not knowing what happens after death? I truly thought I wouldn't be able to function because of the uncertainty of death. It was shocking to learn just how not scary it actually was. Why was it not scary? My mindset is that if I end up in a good place, great; if I end up in a bad place, I'll deal with it when I get there, no point spending the time I'm alive worrying about a very unlikely outcome of my death; and if there's nothing, then I won't know there's nothing because I won't be anywhere, and nothing isn't scary at all.

Most importantly, it freed me up to live my life without my death being a primary focus. As Rhett said, "I'm more interested in what happens while I'm alive".

I don't know if God is real or if my soul is destined for paradise, so I focus on what I do know: I know that I'm alive right now, I know that I have one life to live, and I know that I don't want to waste it being afraid of what ifs.