The Doubt Monster

I'd like to remind you to read the Intro and the previous Parts before reading this post if you would like the full context. The Intro in particular will explain who the heck Rhett and Link are, because I will be referring to them occasionally, and they inspired me to share my story. So I had arrived at the realization that no one knows whether or not God exists. Again, the keyword here is "know". Your faith and your personal spiritual experiences may feel like knowledge, but to know something is to have definitive proof. One person may believe in God, but they can't know he exists - whereas another person may not believe in God, but they can't know he doesn't exist. Arriving at this conclusion among others - like evolution being scientifically proven, despite many Christians teaching the opposite - shattered my trust in the Christian faith and in the Christians who had been teaching me my whole life. When you call someone's bluff on one thing...

I'd like to remind you to read the Intro and Parts One and Two before reading this post if you would like the full context. The Intro in particular will explain who the heck Rhett and Link are, because I will be referring to them occasionally, and they inspired me to share my story. Humans seem to have this innate desire for answers, for knowledge. We also seem to have an innate desire for meaning and purpose.With those desires combined, it makes sense that we would look for signs of a higher power - something or someone with all the answers who has a purpose for us. It would give us a feeling of security and safety, knowing that someone else was in charge; that there was a reason behind everything we experienced, particularly the difficult things. From the time our brains can process questions and our mouths can ask them, we're on a mission to get answers. It starts simply - by asking why things hurt or why the sky is blue - but it progresses to deeper and deeper ...

I'd like to remind you to read the Intro and Part One before reading this post. The Intro in particular will explain who the heck Rhett and Link are, because I will be referring to them occasionally throughout this process. Also, since we're getting to the "doubting God exists" part - which is a very sensitive and triggering subject for some people - I'd like to remind you that this is my story, not yours. I'm not here to convince anyone of anything. I'm not here to "lead people astray". I am merely sharing. Perhaps you can challenge yourself to experience my story without fear in your heart. Listening with fear is not truly listening. I believe I was about 7 years old when I experienced my first "wait a minute ... how do we know God exists?" moment. It was weird. I don't know how it came to mind; it was just there all of a sudden, and it rocked my tiny world. After being born, my reality was taught to me and God was alw...

For context of the story I'm about to launch into, please read the post before this one: "Zoe's Spiritual Deconstruction - Inspired By Ear Biscuits". I will often be referencing to Rhett and Link's own spiritual stories recently told on their podcast. Also, yes that is me in the above photo. I know - I was hideous. Okay. I was raised within the Christian Reformed Church. My dad was a pastor for most of my life. His dad and brothers were pastors (still are). Both sides of my family considered themselves staunch Christians (still do). That's the reality that I was born into. For me, being a Christian meant that you believed in the Trinity - God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. It meant that you believed Jesus was the Son of God, sent to Earth through the Virgin Mary to die for our sins and rise again from the dead. Because of him we were what Christians call "saved", meaning that our sins were eternally forgiven and we could have a personal relati...

I've been watching Rhett and Link's content on YouTube since at least 2013. I wish I could remember exactly when I first discovered an episode of their daily YouTube show, "Good Mythical Morning" because it has since become a major part of my life. Their podcast, "Ear Biscuits", also became part of my weekly routine. All of their content has inspired me on a daily basis to be creative and curious. "Good Mythical Morning" and the "Rhett and Link" channel became a way to escape the reality of my depression and/or anxiety; to delight in the absurd. "Ear Biscuits" became a way to get out of my own head and focus on my priorities. When mental health is something you struggle with, laughter can be the greatest gift. There was a period in Rhett and Link's lives that they had never discussed publicly. In case you don't know, they met on the first day of first grade and have been best friends ever since, now running their...

I've been struggling for weeks now to find the right words to send 2019, and the decade, off with. It's officially 2020 and I still don't have the "right" words, whatever those are. So I figured I'd start writing and see what comes out. Meet 14-and-a-half-year-old me. A whole decade ago, just starting her journey with depression without knowing it. It kills me that when I see pictures of myself from this time, all I can think about is how I want to be that skinny again. Look at those stick arms and non-existent boobs! The irony is that the girl in the picture didn't think she was thin at all. Ten years later and there's still so much work to be done regarding those thoughts. If I look past the physical, I know in my heart that I don't want to be that 14-15 year old again. She was about to start a decade long battle with mental illness. She was about to confront the anxiety disorder that had plagued her all her life. She was going to face mul...